Searching for the Bunniness within the Pain

With special thanks to Del C. for the perfect photo to match how I’m feeling lately, here is a moment of bunniness featuring Apples the English Angora bun.

Apples the bunny, Photo courtesy of Del C.
Apples the bunny, Photo courtesy of Del C.

Please note: If you do not wish to read anything that may trigger negative emotions, please stop reading now.

From time to time, despite our beliefs and all the structures we have put in place to help us find our strength, life presents us with a challenge that tests us to our limits and even beyond them.

While the photo of Apples speaks to me, the truth is that the message is quite a bit more difficult. As you may have guessed from my previous post, I have been dealing with some big personal stuff. For a few weeks, I have been hiding in my metaphorical basket, trying to find the courage to emerge and face the world.


A few weeks ago, my husband and I took a lovely week-long vacation to Maine. Two days after our return, my husband texted me to say he was coming home from work. When he still wasn’t home two hours later, I started to panic. My sister and I called every authority we could imagine. Four hours after his text, the police called to tell me my husband was in an ambulance on his way to a nearby hospital.

He had intentionally taken a massive overdose of his prescription medications for depression and anxiety. He was unconscious when they found him, and despite the best efforts of doctors at a world-class hospital, he never regained consciousness. He lost all brain function and his organs began to fail one by one. I sat with him in the ICU for four days, and I was holding his hand when his heart stopped.

He was 33 years old. We were together for 14 of those years. Now, I am left to pick up the pieces of the life we built together. Somehow, I am supposed to move on.

I try to remind myself of all the teachings on attachment and letting go, but I am at a loss for what I am going to do without him. When I meditate, my breathing gets lost behind all the tears. Attempts at mindfulness turn immediately to memories of the best and the worst moments of our lives together.

I miss him so much. I loved him more than he knew. I want nothing more than to hold him just one more time. But I can’t. I am having more than a little trouble finding the bunniness within the pain right now. But I know that is what I have to do, and I will continue to try.


25 thoughts on “Searching for the Bunniness within the Pain

  1. I don’t even have words that seem right to say to you. I can only wordlessly send you my heartfelt willingness share your sorrow and pain as I join you in bunniness as I meditate each day. Your messages and your wonderful little book have helped me and so many others. You will be in my heart and prayers each time I touch the pages and read the sayings.

  2. The loss of a loved one to suicide is one of the most devastating things a bunny can experience. I feel very sad that you have to go through that. And you are right–there is still bunniness inside the pain, even when the pain is overwhelming. You are not alone–if you want support, there are grief counsellors, suicide bereavement groups, and online forums that can help. I only know about resources local to southwestern Ontario but you could check out books – , or American support groups –

    Sending soft, fuzzy hugs!

    1. Thanks for your comment. I was able to find a local suicide survivor group and hope to join up with it soon. I’ll definitely check out the book recommendation, too. Thanks so much.

  3. Your book and posts have been such an inspiration to many of us out here. Please remember that. You cannot carry another’s pain, as much as you may want to; it is theirs until they find the “bunniness” to lessen it, or else move to the next level to find peace. Your love is not made less by this. Love, like energy, does not die and is felt in places to which you currently have no access. You two will meet again.

  4. I am so very sorry for your loss. You definitely need to talk to someone and have support as you grieve. Grief is a process and you will go through stages and go back and forth (denial, sadness, guilt, anger, acceptance. I can’t recall the five stages (Elizabeth Kubler-Ross). It does not happen overnight. Time helps. But there is no way through it except through it, and it hurts bad although the bad will decrease in intensity and frequency. You need extra care from others and kindness and patience with yourself through this process. Ignore anyone who says you need to get over it, move on, get on with your life, and other trite recommendations of what they think is best for you. Advice from lay people is often not helpful. Be with others who can understand. And a caring therapist would be ideal.

  5. My heart breaks for your sadness, your grief and loss, there aren’t word to convey just how sorry I am <3 May you be held in the arms of love in your vulnerableness . . . .

  6. I can’t find new or original words to say, but I’m very sorry for your loss. It’s always a shock to lose a loved one, but when it’s a surprise, that can make it even more devastating. Warm bunny thoughts and prayers from me, and Sasha and Daisy bunnies.

  7. I should have known you had experienced great loss. I lost my daughter in similar fashion last fall, and I find so much solace in your little bunniness posts. Somehow they always seem to pull me out of my overthinking. Thank you for posting these. I hope the pain eases for you.

    1. Thank you, Elizabeth. I hope the same for you, and I’m glad you find some solace in the bunny wisdom.

  8. Sending lots of love and encouragement from Singapore. This post is truly heart breaking, it brought tears to my eyes. I think you are a great inspiration, this blog, your book etc. I am a mommy of 2 bunnies. These bunnies were adopted tgt with my husband, but now things aren’t going too well and we are living separately at the moment…everything is still hanging..i feel lost and directionless…not sure what my future would be…full of uncertainty, disappointment and sadness. I feel like im going thru grief, although i don’t think it can compare to what you went through. I sincerely hope you can find bunny happiness again.

    1. Thank you, Tricia–I appreciate the long-distance love. I’m sorry to hear things are not going well for you right now. Given the situation you’ve described, I imagine you are indeed grieving. I hope you can use this time to be kind to yourself, allow yourself to feel the sadness and uncertainty, but also remember that an uncertain future means there are many possibilities open to you. For what it’s worth, I think of bunniness and the process of finding some love or inspiration in each day as an ongoing practice and one that takes a lot of work. With the right hops, bunny happiness will come for both of us. Sending much love and encouragement right back to you in Singapore….

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